November 30, 2007

the missing three

So, I have decided NOT to blog about three. Three although VERY important seems to have resolved itself (at least the situation is looking better anyway)

It rained today... glorious Southern California rain. I know what you're thinking and no, not all rains are the same. There is something uniquely special about our rain. It's warm... but not too warm. It's just the right temperature that you have time to go out, run, dance, sing, and get deliriously, happily soaking before you have to come inside because you are cold... THEN you get to take a nice hot shower, get dressed in your comfy clothes and sit in front of a lovely fire and drink hot cocoa and watch a movie... with maybe some popcorn thrown in there too. (This sadly, is NOT what I'm doing tonight but knowing that I COULD if I didn't have other obligations is enough to make me ALMOST as happy.)

I love our rain, nothing feels more like Christmas to me. Only a San Diegan would think that rain is Christmasy... but for most of us it is. Snow is also very Christmasy. I still remember spending every Christmas for the better portion of my life in Montana. I'm completely torn as to which is better, maybe they are equal in their own unique ways. So, with that in mind...

November 26, 2007


1. Work-

Currently I work in the new accounts department at a large investment banking company (I'll not post it here for a few reasons) I've also been asked to go back to my old job at an auto repair facility. AND I've applied with the county for a park ranger position. I would really love to be a park ranger.

My current job is great. I don't start until 12:30, which is wonderful, except that I get off really late. However, that is not too bad since Aaron works until 11:30 anyway. There is no manual labor involved, the job is super easy, a trained monkey could do it and I get paid really well plus in about a month I'll get benefits. But still, I'm unhappy. Why am I unhappy? I shouldn't be. I've been thinking about it for a while now. I think that part of it is that I really want a job where I make a difference. I'm a very hard worker and I take pride in what I do whatever it may be. There's not much opportunity to do that in my current position. I go, I enter numbers into a computer and then I go home. The problem is what I do gets very very repetitive. It gets very hard to concentrate on what you're doing when you do the same thing over and over. It's so easy it's mind numbing... it is really hard to concentrate. I can't take pride in the fact that I just did what a monkey could do. However, as easy as it is I have to be constantly alert, otherwise I'll make simple human errors... which are absolutely NOT okay in my department. Some people may be able to be proud of their work in that fact, but not me. If I do well, who cares? Who's life do I really improve, what am I helping... that's the kind of pride I want to have in my work when I go home at the end of the day.

The Park Ranger position would really help in that department. When I imagine the kind of career I want to have, I see myself doing one of two things. Helping the environment or helping children grow to be compassionate adults... preferably both. My ideal job would be working in the education department of a place like sea world, or the zoo. If I can't do that I'd like to work in the Forest service or maybe coach a swim team.

I had numerous problems working at the shop... most of which were taken care of when one of the owners left. It was a place where I really felt like my presence was appreciated, I worked hard and I was good at what I did. I had alot of room for growth and when I went home at the end of the day, although I wasn't helping children or the environment, I knew I was helping at least one person, and maybe others by brightening a few people's days. Even if I wasn't helping the WORLD I made a great impact on the lives of the people in MY world. However the problems that weren't solved by the other owner leaving are that A) it's really far from my home, which means alot of gas... and a lot of pollution, B) I need benefits and more money, unfortunately the company just can't afford it right now... I worked in the office, I know what they can afford. So, the scenarios are this: I go back part time in the morning before my other job on the condition that I get enough raise to cover my fuel expenses and I take the civic instead of the truck so I save money on gas and create as little pollution as I can manage. This means I have extra money, which will help me out, I'll be helping a friend with his business, and I'm working where I'm appreciated. However, I'm still driving quite a distance, and I'll be taking the civic away from Aaron... which would be really unfair for him. Since I'll be waking up really early, I'll probably head straight to bed when I get home (which means I won't see Aaron during the day) I'll be burnt out from working alot which means I'll do crappy at my main job and I won't be able to do really well at my second job because I'll only be there part time anyway. Or, I could work there full time... There's no way they could afford to make it worth my while, so this means I'll have less money, more miles on my car and no benefits. But I'll feel good about my job at the end of the day... But if I get hired on with the county I'll have to leave them... and I'll feel awful because I'll be leaving them high and dry.

2. The sisters-

I love my sisters very dearly. I really do, but they have been causing me alot of pain of late. I can't really say it's a new thing. The two of them have always been closer to each other than to me. I don't know if it's because they are a little closer in age, if it's because they shared a room growing up while I had my own, or if it's because I'm the eldest... I suppose it doesn't really matter why. When I was getting married I knew I couldn't choose a maid of honor between them, and even if I could, I was never as close to them as you would expect sisters to be anyway. Like I said it was always the two of them... not me. Well I guess I was hoping that the wedding plans would bring the three of us together somehow... even if they were bridesmaids and not the maid of honor. Sometimes I felt like it was, but most of the time, they had their own bonding experience in being bridesmaids toghether... which really had nothing to do with me. When it came time for my bachelorette party (which I planned for myself) Kim and Katie got completely wasted and ended up ruining the night. We had rented a limo for (I think) seven hours... we spent 3 of those hours on the side of the road while they threw up over all of the rest of us... and then ended an hour early after taking Kim to the hospital for alcohol poisioning and Katie back home. We had to pay an additional $200 for cleaning and another $100 to tip the guy who spent his evening helping us to clean up vomit... GREAT FUN!

I decided to give her another chance, and invited her to my birthday party last month. She called to ask if she could bring a friend... that kind of upset me, since she was bringing a guy who was not her boyfriend, but I let it slide. Well, when she showed up not one but THREE military boys piled of her car. I tried to roll with it, offered them all some drinks and tried to be friendly. But, they ended up sitting in their own corner of the house all evening, the next time I saw Kim it was two hours later as everyone else was leaving (she showed up rather late). I could see she was getting close to passing out so I walked her over to the couch. The three boys were outside (spitting on my doorstep and smoking) so I asked one of them to watch her as I was planning on going to bed. One of them went in right away while I finished asking the other two to help... well it's a good thing because by the time I finished (literally about 45 seconds) she had already thrown up in his lap (in a bag that I had provided fortunately) She proceded to throw up a few more times and I ended up staying up till 5 in the morning to watch these guys one of whom was throwing up in my sink. I was afraid of what they might do to my house... or to Kim. They were talking alot of shit about her... a little about my youngest sister too. They had no respect for them and were happy to use them in any way that presented itself. They finally went to bed, and when I did, Aaron (who had been asleep since before she even showed up) wanted to know why I was so upset.

When I told him... especially with everything that had gone wrong with my sisters in the past he was (obviously) upset. We talked for about a half an hour before I fell asleep and then about a half an hour later at 6 he decide he couldn't sleep anymore. He got up and cleaned the house. At eight, he woke everybody up and very rudely asked them to please leave out house. It took alot of yelling, and he told them they didn't have to drive and they didn't have to go home, they just please had to leave our house. Kim proceded to throw up in two places on the side of my house before deciding to drive her drunk ass all the way to IB. Now if these were the great guys that she claims them to be, one of them would have driven home... they weren't still drunk at that point.

I should have known better. Kim has always been kind of a partier, but it's only in the last couple of years that she's really starting to take it to extremes. It seems like every time she drinks she gets drunk to that point. I see so much of Dad in her. She doesn't know how to solve her problems, and she refuses to talk about them, so she turns to alcohol instead. But you can't help someone who doesn't think that they have a problem... so she just keeps on drinking. I have decided (like Aaron with his father) to stop drinking in her presence or being around her when she does drink. I doubt that will do much, since she doesn't spend much time with me anyway. But kicking her out of the house seemed to make her see something was wrong... However she still isn't facing her problems, she's turned it into self pity. She wants someone to change her for her... she doesn't want to do it herself. She went to Utah, where April will encourage drinking, and will baby her and tell her what to do and that everything is okay. She decided to break up with her boyfrined (which is good because she didn't really love him if she was able to cheat on him, but is bad beacuse he was the only positive influence in her life outside of her family) She says she wants to go to beauty school, but when she's looking for support, she really wants someone to foce her to do it... She refuses to do it on her own. Waht she really wants is someone to make her start down the right path that way when it gets hard she can quit with the excuse that it's not what she wanted anyway... it's what others made her do.

She and my family are now against Aaron for kicking her out (they say it was too harsh) but it wasn't it aparrently wasn't harsh enough... she still hasn't made any effort to change. She still takes everyone including herself for granted and doesn't care about anybody's feelings but her own. I'm very afraid that Katie is heading down teh same path. However Katie seems to have benefited from moving temporarily to Utah... she at least was able to apologize for hurting me and wants to pay more attention to her self esteem. I can't just make it all go away, she'll have to show me more than just words, but at least it was a start.

3. There was going to be a three, but I think this blog is long enough, and I don't have it in me to think about a third topic... I need to ponder these two issues for a while before I can take on more. So, goodnight for now.

November 17, 2007

Your results:
You are Zoe Washburne (Second-in-command)

Zoe Washburne (Second-in-command)
Dr. Simon Tam (Ship Medic)
Malcolm Reynolds (Captain)
Kaylee Frye (Ship Mechanic)
Wash (Ship Pilot)
River (Stowaway)
Derrial Book (Shepherd)
Inara Serra (Companion)
Jayne Cobb (Mercenary)
A Reaver (Cannibal)
Dependable and trustworthy.
You love your significant other and
you are a tough cookie when in a conflict.

Click here to take the Serenity Personality Quiz

November 13, 2007


At what point in a person's life do they stop feeling like a kid, and start feeling like a grown-up?

I'm starting to feel like I never will. I mean I've been on my own technically since before I was 18, I'm married, pay for all my own bills, have a college degree and... I'm married. Yet, I still feel like nothing more than an overgrown child. There are times in my life where I just think, what the heck am I doing, I should just move back home and stop pretending to be an adult.

I still have all of my childish pet peeves, I still get those uncontrollable grumpy for no reason moods, I don't exactly throw tantrums any more, but sometimes I can get pretty close. My house is a mess more often than not. I'd rather spend my time doing something silly and frivolous than cleaning, doing bills, or taking care of my other responsibilities. I imagine that even once I have kids, I'll still feel like a kid who's just in a really long babysitting role. Yes I'll be responsible, and I'll love my child more than it would ever be healthy for a babysitter to do. But I think I'll still relate more to my child than the grown up adult that I'm supposed to be.

Maybe I wasn't meant to feel grown up. Maybe I'll always be a kid at heart. I imagine the moment that I start feeling grown up is when I'll run out of the will to really live life. I'll admit that I don't have much of a life as it is, too much work. But I still have the desire to get out there and go and live and do. I shudder to think of what my life would be without even that much.

I hope I'm not the exception to the rule.

November 04, 2007

"Make New Friends"

We learned this song in girl scouts. I used to try to live up to it, but it doesn't seem to be serving me very well thus far.